It seems as if forgiveness is somewhat out of style. Lately, it’s apparent that people would rather take an eye for an eye than to turn the other cheek.
Here is an extremely graphic story for you.
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“On the last day of school in 1974, every kid in America was thinking of the fun they’d have on their Christmas break, including 5th grader Chris Carrier. But Chris’ Christmas holiday would not be filled with joy; instead, it would be rocked with terror.
On the walk home from school that afternoon, Chris was two doors away from his house when a strange man walked up to him and introduced himself as one of his father’s friends. The older man told Chris he was throwing a party for his dad, and asked if he wanted to help prepare the decorations. Chris eagerly agreed, and hopped into the back of the man’s motor home.
While little Chris made himself comfortable, the stranger sped past the Miami city limit sign. Reaching the outskirts of town, the man stopped the truck, pulled out a map, handed it to Chris, and asked him to find a particular road. While Chris busied himself with the search, the man excused himself “to get something.”
Moments later, as Chris leaned over the map, he felt a sharp stabbing pain in his back. He twirled to see the strange man standing over him holding an ice pick. The man grabbed Chris out of the vehicle and proceeded to stab the young boy in the chest several more times.
Through the pain, Chris pled with his abductor; if the man would only stop hurting him, he wouldn’t tell anybody.
The man threw Chris back into the motor home, promising the boy he’d drop him off somewhere. From the floor of the vehicle, Chris asked the man why he was doing this to him. The only answer the older man gave him was that Chris’ dad ‘had cost him a lot of money.’
Roughly an hour later, the man pulled the vehicle over and led Chris into the Florida Everglades. The man told Chris to wait; his dad was coming to pick him up.
Of course, Chris’ father wasn’t coming. He didn’t even know where his son was.
It would be six terrible days in the wilderness before a hunter would find Chris. The little boy was not only hungry and weak, but had been stabbed several times, and even shot in the head, though he had no memory of it.
The tragedy left Chris blind in his left eye. Miraculously, he suffered no damage to his brain. The worst part of the whole ordeal in Chris’ mind was that his captor was still on the loose.
Police sketch artists put together a few drafts of what the assailant might look like based on Chris’ description of his attacker. Chris’ father and uncle immediately recognized the man in the drawing; David McAllister had been hired by the family to nurse a great-uncle after he suffered a stroke.
Even though a motor home and pistol matching the caliber of Chris’ wound were found at McAllister’s home, forensics were not what they are today, and McAllister was never brought to justice for the crime he committed.
Chris had a rough adolescence. He was acutely aware of his disfigured appearance, and he couldn’t play any of his favorite sports because of the harsh injuries he’d sustained.
But around the age of 13, Chris began to change. He was no longer consumed with animosity, bitterness, revenge, or self-pity. He realized he couldn’t stay angry forever.
Twenty-two years would pass between the date of the attack, and a life-changing phone call. A police officer on the other end of the line said McAllister, now blind from glaucoma and bed-ridden in a nursing home, had admitted to being Chris’ captor.
The next day, accompanied by a friend, Chris went to the facility where McAllister was, to meet the man who had changed his life.
Chris’ recollection of that encounter should challenge all of us: ‘When I first spoke to David, he was rather callous. I suppose he thought I was another police officer. A friend who had accompanied me wisely asked him a few simple questions that led to him admitting that he had abducted me.’ He then asked, ‘Did you ever wish you could tell that young boy that you were sorry for what you did?’ David answered empathetically, ‘I wish I could.’
‘That was when I introduced myself to him. Unable to see, he clasped my hand and told me he was sorry for what he had done to me. In return, I offered him my forgiveness and friendship.’” (Smith, D. R., 2010).
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Chris’s story of survival shook the world in 1974. Then again in 1996 when an article was published in The New York Times about his act of forgiveness. Now take a moment and ask yourself… are people capable of forgiving in the same manner today? Would you have forgiven David? It shook the world because most people simply cannot understand how one individual could forgive someone else like that. Are some acts unforgivable? Do some people deserve hatred? Do all people deserve remorse? This story brought up some pretty epic moral questions back then that many of us continue struggle with to this day.
It would be understandably hard for most to do what Chris did as forgiveness as an act is often viewed as a kind of doormat behavior that only allows someone to take further advantage of the individual in the future. The cynical may even suggest that forgiveness only exists in order to receive some sort of reward. As if the forgiving individual is superior by being the better person. Sadly, many of us only forgive because the alternative is inconvenient or hard to swallow but that kind of forgiveness is not healthy.
Genuine forgiveness, like that of Chris’s act, is something completely different.
Genuine forgiveness as an act can be hard to define and largely varies by context. But, Worthington and Scherer (2004) does provide a good definition to work with “forgiveness is when a person becomes less motivated to retaliate against someone who offended him or her and less motivated to remain estranged from that person. Instead, he or she becomes more motivated by feelings of goodwill, despite the offender’s hurtful actions. It doesn’t mean forgetting or pardoning an offense.” This is important to stress… forgiving does not mean forgetting.
On the other hand, is that of unforgiveness. Worthington and Scherer (2004) defines unforgiveness as “a negative emotional state where an offended person maintains feelings of resentment, hostility, anger, and hatred toward the person who offended him.”
I began with Chris Carrier’s story because it is such a clear and powerful example of genuine forgiveness. His act of forgiveness never forgot or condoned what his attacker did to him but it did allow Chris to replace his negative emotions with that of positive emotions. Various studies on forgiveness and happiness suggest that if Chris were to continue to hold onto his grudge it would continue to act like a poison. Slowly eating away at his physical, psychological, relational, and spiritual wellbeing.
Chris would have felt like the Hulk on a day to day basis. He would have constantly dealt with an elevated heart rate, active sweat glands, high blood pressure, and facial tension whenever he ruminated about the event (Witvliet et al., 2001). Furthermore, his cortisol levels would be off the charts. Cortisol is the stress hormone that takes fat and breaks it down quickly in response to stress. The problem is it conveniently places it at an easy to grab place when it is done with it. Meaning a buildup of fat around the hips, neck, or face.
In this study by Witvliet et al. (2001) participants were chosen based on their ratings of their relationship status as either being terrible or terrific. Sorry, those people that choose “it’s complicated” were not included in the study. The purpose of choosing these individuals was to see whether people’s stress levels were related to their inability to forgive their romantic partner. What the researcher found was that people who self-reported being in a bad romance not only scored worst on their willingness to forgive but they also had high baseline levels of cortisol in their system. Using rumination once more, researchers then asked participants to simply think about their relationship and found that their cortisol reactivity would spike as well from just the thought. This is concerning because it has been found that prolonged high levels of cortisol is associated with a higher risk of hypertension, high blood sugar, insulin resistance, carbohydrate cravings, metabolic syndrome and type 2 diabetes, reduced libido and suppressed immunity (2001). Furthermore, the study looked at the Joneses too! When looking at individuals who reported a very happy relationship status, Worthington and Scherer (2004) found that they were not without stressors or strains but their ability to forgive one another kept their cortisol levels within normal range. That old saying Happy wife, happy life may have something to it!
The benefits to forgiving does not stop there as they seem to increase with age. Toussant, Owen, and Cheadle (2012) conducted a large study that consisted of 1,500 participants. His study aimed to see if people actually practice or have experienced forgiveness. This included forgiveness within one’s self and to others. The researchers found a significant positive relationship between health among middle-aged Americans and forgiveness. People over the age of 45 years of age who had forgiven others who hurt them in the past reported a greater satisfaction with their lives while reporting lower levels of restlessness, nervousness, and sadness. The one predictor of mortality in this study was those individuals who ranked high on conditional forgiveness or only forgiving others on conditional terms. It was suggested by the researchers that those who only forgive with conditions harbored a lot of resentment and grudges that over the years could put strain on one’s heart leading to early death.
Now we all have heard of family feuds… Karremans et al. (2003) studied close relationships and forgiveness. They figured that people were more willing to forgive when they have a strong sense of trust from their partners such as family or a married couple. Furthermore, they predicted that highly committed relationships had more to lose from a failing relationship and so would be more likely to practice forgiveness. After conducting several types of surveys and questionnaires they found that those in close relationships who were unwilling to make sacrifices for the relationship were more likely to report negative emotions, poor compromising abilities, and higher amounts of relationship conflict. Furthermore, they found that those in marriages were more likely to practice forgiveness than other types of close relationships. After all, it is apparent that the more we invest into our close relationships the more strategies we need to get through troubled times. Forgiveness is one of those strategies that proves rewarding.
After looking over 17 empirical studies on forgiveness and relationships, Fincham, Hall, and Beach (2006) found that when partners hurt one another there tends to be a shift in the relationship goal. Instead of focusing on undying love, partners become more competitive. Individuals may focus more on getting even, or winning arguments instead of problem solving. They may result to past transgressions to remind the partner of his or her failings that can only escalate the issues. The researchers suggest that forgiveness is a vital strategy to restoring cooperative goals within close relationships. They suggest that practicing forgiveness between all relationships whether they are close or strangers can lead to higher self-esteem, positive moods, and happier relationships leading to a better self-reported wellbeing.
In addition to gripping the minds of many psychologists and researchers, forgiveness is a popular topic among many religions – many know it as one of Christianity’s wisest teachings – but it is also a feature of the ancient Indian religion Jain. Every year, Jains come together to celebrate a 10-day festival called Paryushan Parva, that focuses on various Jain virtues. A lesser-known religion amongst the Western world, Jain’s central tenet focuses on non-violence and love toward all living beings. Characteristically for this exacting, austere, but heartfelt and supreme benevolent religion, the festival is not about kicking up your heels. Days of prayer and meditation culminate in a ceremonial asking for forgiveness. Only in this way, Jains believe can you truly rid yourself of anger and hostility towards others and cleanse your soul. In other words, Jainism teaches us that to forgive others, you have to have the humility to acknowledge your own imperfections and forgive yourself (Lonely Planet, 2011).
Due to the high amount of physical, psychological, relational, and spiritual benefits that research has suggested a lot of interventions have been proposed to help someone forgive. There is no silver bullet yet but Enrights 20-step intervention has been tested rigorously and has produced encouraging results. From victims of incest to decisions of abortion studies have shown Enrights program shows significant increased levels of forgiveness and significant lower levels of anxiety, anger and grief when compared to a control group (Worthington and Scherer, 2004).
You can find a PDF of Enrights 20-step intervention here:
http://internationalforgiveness.com/files/EnrightForgivenessProcessModel.pdf.
It would be understandably hard for most to do what Chris did as forgiveness as an act is often viewed as a kind of doormat behavior that only allows someone to take further advantage of the individual in the future. The cynical may even suggest that forgiveness only exists in order to receive some sort of reward. As if the forgiving individual is superior by being the better person. Sadly, many of us only forgive because the alternative is inconvenient or hard to swallow but that kind of forgiveness is not healthy.
Genuine forgiveness, like that of Chris’s act, is something completely different.
Genuine forgiveness as an act can be hard to define and largely varies by context. But, Worthington and Scherer (2004) does provide a good definition to work with “forgiveness is when a person becomes less motivated to retaliate against someone who offended him or her and less motivated to remain estranged from that person. Instead, he or she becomes more motivated by feelings of goodwill, despite the offender’s hurtful actions. It doesn’t mean forgetting or pardoning an offense.” This is important to stress… forgiving does not mean forgetting.
On the other hand, is that of unforgiveness. Worthington and Scherer (2004) defines unforgiveness as “a negative emotional state where an offended person maintains feelings of resentment, hostility, anger, and hatred toward the person who offended him.”
I began with Chris Carrier’s story because it is such a clear and powerful example of genuine forgiveness. His act of forgiveness never forgot or condoned what his attacker did to him but it did allow Chris to replace his negative emotions with that of positive emotions. Various studies on forgiveness and happiness suggest that if Chris were to continue to hold onto his grudge it would continue to act like a poison. Slowly eating away at his physical, psychological, relational, and spiritual wellbeing.
Chris would have felt like the Hulk on a day to day basis. He would have constantly dealt with an elevated heart rate, active sweat glands, high blood pressure, and facial tension whenever he ruminated about the event (Witvliet et al., 2001). Furthermore, his cortisol levels would be off the charts. Cortisol is the stress hormone that takes fat and breaks it down quickly in response to stress. The problem is it conveniently places it at an easy to grab place when it is done with it. Meaning a buildup of fat around the hips, neck, or face.
In this study by Witvliet et al. (2001) participants were chosen based on their ratings of their relationship status as either being terrible or terrific. Sorry, those people that choose “it’s complicated” were not included in the study. The purpose of choosing these individuals was to see whether people’s stress levels were related to their inability to forgive their romantic partner. What the researcher found was that people who self-reported being in a bad romance not only scored worst on their willingness to forgive but they also had high baseline levels of cortisol in their system. Using rumination once more, researchers then asked participants to simply think about their relationship and found that their cortisol reactivity would spike as well from just the thought. This is concerning because it has been found that prolonged high levels of cortisol is associated with a higher risk of hypertension, high blood sugar, insulin resistance, carbohydrate cravings, metabolic syndrome and type 2 diabetes, reduced libido and suppressed immunity (2001). Furthermore, the study looked at the Joneses too! When looking at individuals who reported a very happy relationship status, Worthington and Scherer (2004) found that they were not without stressors or strains but their ability to forgive one another kept their cortisol levels within normal range. That old saying Happy wife, happy life may have something to it!
The benefits to forgiving does not stop there as they seem to increase with age. Toussant, Owen, and Cheadle (2012) conducted a large study that consisted of 1,500 participants. His study aimed to see if people actually practice or have experienced forgiveness. This included forgiveness within one’s self and to others. The researchers found a significant positive relationship between health among middle-aged Americans and forgiveness. People over the age of 45 years of age who had forgiven others who hurt them in the past reported a greater satisfaction with their lives while reporting lower levels of restlessness, nervousness, and sadness. The one predictor of mortality in this study was those individuals who ranked high on conditional forgiveness or only forgiving others on conditional terms. It was suggested by the researchers that those who only forgive with conditions harbored a lot of resentment and grudges that over the years could put strain on one’s heart leading to early death.
Now we all have heard of family feuds… Karremans et al. (2003) studied close relationships and forgiveness. They figured that people were more willing to forgive when they have a strong sense of trust from their partners such as family or a married couple. Furthermore, they predicted that highly committed relationships had more to lose from a failing relationship and so would be more likely to practice forgiveness. After conducting several types of surveys and questionnaires they found that those in close relationships who were unwilling to make sacrifices for the relationship were more likely to report negative emotions, poor compromising abilities, and higher amounts of relationship conflict. Furthermore, they found that those in marriages were more likely to practice forgiveness than other types of close relationships. After all, it is apparent that the more we invest into our close relationships the more strategies we need to get through troubled times. Forgiveness is one of those strategies that proves rewarding.
After looking over 17 empirical studies on forgiveness and relationships, Fincham, Hall, and Beach (2006) found that when partners hurt one another there tends to be a shift in the relationship goal. Instead of focusing on undying love, partners become more competitive. Individuals may focus more on getting even, or winning arguments instead of problem solving. They may result to past transgressions to remind the partner of his or her failings that can only escalate the issues. The researchers suggest that forgiveness is a vital strategy to restoring cooperative goals within close relationships. They suggest that practicing forgiveness between all relationships whether they are close or strangers can lead to higher self-esteem, positive moods, and happier relationships leading to a better self-reported wellbeing.
In addition to gripping the minds of many psychologists and researchers, forgiveness is a popular topic among many religions – many know it as one of Christianity’s wisest teachings – but it is also a feature of the ancient Indian religion Jain. Every year, Jains come together to celebrate a 10-day festival called Paryushan Parva, that focuses on various Jain virtues. A lesser-known religion amongst the Western world, Jain’s central tenet focuses on non-violence and love toward all living beings. Characteristically for this exacting, austere, but heartfelt and supreme benevolent religion, the festival is not about kicking up your heels. Days of prayer and meditation culminate in a ceremonial asking for forgiveness. Only in this way, Jains believe can you truly rid yourself of anger and hostility towards others and cleanse your soul. In other words, Jainism teaches us that to forgive others, you have to have the humility to acknowledge your own imperfections and forgive yourself (Lonely Planet, 2011).
Due to the high amount of physical, psychological, relational, and spiritual benefits that research has suggested a lot of interventions have been proposed to help someone forgive. There is no silver bullet yet but Enrights 20-step intervention has been tested rigorously and has produced encouraging results. From victims of incest to decisions of abortion studies have shown Enrights program shows significant increased levels of forgiveness and significant lower levels of anxiety, anger and grief when compared to a control group (Worthington and Scherer, 2004).
You can find a PDF of Enrights 20-step intervention here:
http://internationalforgiveness.com/files/EnrightForgivenessProcessModel.pdf.
Now not everyone responds equally to these interventions and a lot of work must still be done to determine what makes forgiveness interventions most effective. Farrow et al. (2001) have found connections within some of our brain's deepest emotional centers. In a region known as the limbic system there appears to be activity instead of the cortex which many assumed was where forgiveness took place. They discovered this through brain imaging and found that whether people empathized or forgave, similar areas of the brain lit up. This was an important find because it helps guide interventions. For example, instead of focusing on how fair the transgression was or on finding a solution; their research suggests it could be more valuable to focus on understanding the other person’s side of the story in finding a resolution.
Moral time: This topic of forgiveness is not easy to talk about. Are some offenses so heinous that they should never be forgiven? Are there times when justice trumps forgiveness? It is true, justice and forgiveness do clash at times. But as science has shown... a sincere apology, restitution, or a punishment by proper authorities can often make it easier for victims to grant forgiveness. The big transgressions are often the ones that, if they are ever conquered, must be forgiven (Worthington and Scherer, 2004).
Now if you have any grudges and want to strive toward resolution… put ego aside and try writing letters to significant people in your life, apologizing for the times you’ve been wounded or failed them. Whether you were right or wrong, try and write from their point of view. Whether you send the letters is completely up to you but it will make you feel better. Also, next time someone wrongs you, why not surprise him or her by joyously, full-heartedly offering them forgiveness – no strings attached. It’s amazingly powerful and liberating as forgiveness will not only move us past negative emotions, but also move us toward a net positive feeling (Lonely Planet, 2011).
Now if you have any grudges and want to strive toward resolution… put ego aside and try writing letters to significant people in your life, apologizing for the times you’ve been wounded or failed them. Whether you were right or wrong, try and write from their point of view. Whether you send the letters is completely up to you but it will make you feel better. Also, next time someone wrongs you, why not surprise him or her by joyously, full-heartedly offering them forgiveness – no strings attached. It’s amazingly powerful and liberating as forgiveness will not only move us past negative emotions, but also move us toward a net positive feeling (Lonely Planet, 2011).
Resources
Farrow, T.F., Zheng, Y., Wilkinson, I.D., Spence, S.A., Deakin, J.F., Tarrier, N., Griffiths, P.D., Woodruff, P.W. (2001). Investigating the functional anatomy of empathy and forgiveness. Neuroreport, 12(11), 2433-2438
Fincham, F. D., Hall, J., Beach, S. R. H. (2006). Forgiveness in Marriage: Current Status and Future Directions. Family Relations, 55, 415-427
Farrow, T.F., Zheng, Y., Wilkinson, I.D., Spence, S.A., Deakin, J.F., Tarrier, N., Griffiths, P.D., Woodruff, P.W. (2001). Investigating the functional anatomy of empathy and forgiveness. Neuroreport, 12(11), 2433-2438
Fincham, F. D., Hall, J., Beach, S. R. H. (2006). Forgiveness in Marriage: Current Status and Future Directions. Family Relations, 55, 415-427
Karremans, J. C., Van Lange, P. A. M., Ourwerkerk, J. W., Kluver, E. S. (2003). When Forgiving Enhances Psychological Well-Being: The Role of Interpersonal Commitment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(5), 1011-1026
Lonely Planet (2011). Happy: Secrets to happiness from cultures around the world. Retrieved from http://media.lonelyplanet.com/shop/pdfs/happy-preview.pdf
Smith, D. R. (2010, December 2). The Abduction of Chris Carrier. Retrieved November 07, 2016, from http://www.itslikethis.org/the-abduction-of-chris-carrier/
Toussaint, L. L., Owen, A. D., Cheadle, A. (2012). Forgive to live: forgiveness, health, and longevity. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 35(4), 375-386
Witvliet, C. VO., Ludwig, T. E., Vander Lan, K. L. (2001). Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: Implications for emotion, physiology, and health. Psychological Science, 12(2), 117-123
Worthington, E. L., & Scherer, M. (2004). Forgiveness is an emotion-focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience: theory, review, and hypotheses. Psychology & Health, 19(3)